House of the Dead (2003) starring Jonathan Cherry, Tyron Leitso, Clint Howard, Ona Grauer, Ellie Cornell, Will Sanderson, Enuka Okuma, Kira Clavell directed by Uwe Boll Movie Review

House of the Dead (2003)   1/51/51/51/51/5

House of the Dead (2003)

Dead Bored

I put "House of the Dead" on expecting something bad, I say that because not only had I never heard of it before but this was being broadcast in the middle of the night where the only people who would watch are those who have stumbled home drunk or those unable to sleep. But you see I wanted something bad, I wanted something I didn't need to think about as I had just done something which never I do, I had started watching a movie and switched it off because it was pretentious clap trap which was putting me on a major downer. Unfortunately "House of the Dead" is not just bad it is so bad that it goes past the point of being amusingly bad to the point of should I switch this off and just give up.

A group of teens heading for an isolated island rave miss the boat and so hire Captain Kirk (Jürgen Prochnow) and first mate Salish (Clint Howard) to ferry them to the island despite their warnings not to go. But Kirk has an ulterior motive as the Coast Guard are after him for smuggling and he plans to deposit his load on the island before his boat is searched. When they get to the island they discover all is not right as the ravers which were there have been attacked by zombie like creatures and now these teens, the captain and the coast guard have a battle to survive.

Evidently "House of the Dead" is supposed to be a prequel to a video game, I've never heard of it not being a gamer but it doesn't take a genius to work it out when the Rave has a big sponsorship banner from Sega and the movie is cut together with frequent game footage. Anyway that's not what is bad about the movie as there is so much else which makes this a miserable 90 minutes. But what stinks things up is that after a stupid opening which throws in the expected nudity all we get is a group of people battling zombies to survive. There is no flare to any of this and is so cut to pieces that the action is head ache inducing especially when accompanied by an equally head ache inducing soundtrack.

There is plenty more which stinks this movie up and the dialogue is absolutely ridiculous and the acting is even more ridiculous. As for the look well it looks like a "Scooby Doo" movie but with nudity and violence. To be honest I could spend a good hour ripping this movie to shreds but the worst thing is that it is so bad that it isn't even entertainingly bad.

What this all boils down to is that if you see "House of the Dead" in a bargain bucket or on the later night schedule when most people are asleep there is a reason why it is there and it is not just because it is an action movie with nudity and zombies.

Tags: Zombie Movies