Joan Collins as Fontaine Khaled in The Bitch

Bitchin', I don't think so

"The Bitch is a great movie" is a phrase which I doubt will ever be said, or at least said in sincerity because frankly "The Bitch" isn't even a good movie. Coming quickly off of the back of "The Stud", "The Bitch" sees Joan Collins reprising her role as Fontaine Khaled in another adaptation of a Jackie Collins novel. And like with it's predecessor "The Bitch" is all about the sexual exploits of Fontaine, seeing Joan Collins in the nude and little else. In fact whilst it does have a storyline of sorts it might as well not bother as it plays like a movie where you wait for the next supposedly erotic sex scene.

Returning to London to deal with her flagging Night Club business Fontaine Khaled (Joan Collins - The Bravados) meets the charming Nico Cantafora (Antonio Cantafora) on the flight from America. What Fontaine doesn't realise that he is a low level con man who has got himself in trouble with Thrush Feather (Ian Hendry), a gangster and is couriering a ring into the country which he smuggles in her fur coat. Back in London Nico has to switch on the charm offensive in order to weasel his way into Fontaine's life and recover the ring which is still hidden in her coat. But when she discovers that Nico has been using her Fontaine shuts him out.

Antonio Cantafora and Joan Collins in The Bitch

So as with "The Stud", "The Bitch" does serve up some sort of storyline as you have Fontaine discovering that her night clubs are struggling and she can't afford her life of luxury any more. At the same time you have Nico who has got himself in trouble with the cheesily named Thrush Feather and seems to be getting deeper and deeper into trouble. And of course these two storylines end up interweaving thanks to Fontaine and Nico meeting on a plane. But whilst there are these basic storylines they are not well written, not very strong and end up being the padding which fills in between all the sex scenes.

And so onto the sex scenes and the erotic side of "The Bitch" well like "The Stud" it's not in the least bit erotic, rarely steamy but often very cheesy. It really is a struggle not to laugh when a sex scene occurs because they are either full of terrible dialogue or some painfully over the top moaning and groaning usually accompanied with laughable sex faces. Maybe all of this was erotic back at the tail end of the 70s and seeing Joan Collins topless or cavorting in bed with another man was exciting but watching it now it all feels so false, so manufactured and so cheesy.

Talking of cheesy well the various night club scenes again drag on far too long filled with frighteningly memorable disco tunes. If you were to strip away all the embarrassing disco scenes, nudity and sex scenes what is left could probably be condensed into 15 minutes.

Ironically because the storylines, sex scenes and disco scenes are so bad the acting stands out as being the best thing, although in reality it is as terrible as the rest of the movie. Joan Collins glides through the movie with the minimal amount of emotion going from being a demanding bitch and then a sexual tiger, bedding men when she feels in the mood. And then there is Antonio Cantafora as Nico Cantafora who seems to be trying to imitate Omar Sharif and turn on the charm as a ladies man, except it is almost a medallion man like portrayal and just adds to the cheesiness.

What this all boils down to is that "The Bitch" is just as bad as "The Stud" and seems like another poor excuse for nudity and sex scenes. Everything about the movie is wrong from the storyline through to the acting and once more has that feel of a movie which teenage boys at the start of the 80s would boast they had seen to their mates in the playground.